


Always taken care of myself

by smkkbert



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, but isn't really a speculation fic, contains spoilers for Felicity's path after 4x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:25:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smkkbert/pseuds/smkkbert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anonymous said: Felicity's always been independent so how about after the accident she refuses to let Donna, Oliver or any on the team help her and she finally opened up to everyone about finding it hard to let people in and to let them help her because of her abandonment issues. </p><p>hysterical-for-joshifer said: Prompt: It has been six months since Felicity has been paralyzed by Damian Darhk's bullet and she is ready for sex with her fiance, but Oliver is terrified of hurting her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always taken care of myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jhutchlover22](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhutchlover22/gifts).



> I have to honestly admit that this was a really challanging fic to write. I did a lot of research about what to think abou because I don’t have much (kind of no) experience with the life in a wheelchair and a lot of the things I read, weren’t even mentioned in the fic which is sad because I really wanted to write something that seemed real and honest, but I had no idea how to deal with the flood of information. So I focused on the emotional side of that changed situation. I hope it still seems at least partly believable.

Incomplete paraplegia. Also called paraparesis.

Symptoms varied strongly. On the one end of the scale there were people with virtually no noticeable loss of motor function but impaired sensation or other bodily functions and on the other end there were people who had little or no motor function left but whose sensation to touch and/or pain had been preserved.

Felicity’s injuries had left her on the second end of the scale. She had some sensation left in her legs which allowed her to feel when someone touched her for example, but couldn’t move her legs anymore. Donna’s words, _She’s never going to walk again_ , had hunted him since the day Felicity had been shot and almost died. Just like the sounds of Felicity crying in his arms and the feeling of her fingernails digging into his skin as she had held onto him for dear life had been chasing him every second since. She had been so heartbroken when she had realized that she couldn’t move her legs anymore and it had only increased when the doctor had told her that the damage would be permanent and since there was no motor function left and it couldn’t be rebuilt, she would have to spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair.

He had held her and comforted her. He had told her that everything would be alright and this wouldn’t change anything between them. He still loved her. He still wanted to marry her. He didn’t think it had really helped her. He didn’t even think that she had necessarily needed to hear it. But Oliver had felt the need to say it to make sure she knew. And Felicity had cried herself to sleep in his arms.

Oliver rubbed the palms of his hands over his face and took in a deep breath, then breathed out through his nose with a low sigh.

Felicity had been supposed to stay in the hospital for at least one week more and then start rehab to gain some wheelchair skills training which would help her getting along in her new situation. That had been the plan, a plan Oliver had actually thought Felicity had agreed to.

He had thought she would agree until Donna had called this morning while he had been in the office and had told him that two men had come to the penthouse with an order to measure the stairs, so they could order and mount a wheelchair lift. Since he hadn’t known anything about that, he had immediately called Felicity, but it had been her assistant Gerry who had picked up and confirmed that Felicity had been the one to hire the guys. When he had told him that he wanted to talk to her, Gerry had only replied that Felicity was busy training with the therapists.

So as soon as he had been able to leave the office, he had come to the hospital to talk to Felicity and she had told him that she couldn’t stay in the hospital any day longer because she had a company that flirted with bankruptcy and Darhk was still after them and she would only learn to get along when she was at home. That was where she needed to get along, not in the hospital. Getting from the bed into the wheelchair and to the bed again like the therapist had showed her earlier that morning, she had told him exactly what she wanted and needed and was going to do whether he accepted that or not.

Oliver had tried to explain that it seemed more reasonable for her to do the wheelchair skills training first, but Felicity had refused. He had tried to convince her, but she had just given him a determined look, so Oliver had been left no choice but to agree and pick her up from the hospital in the evening to get her home.

Standing in front of the door to her room, he took in a deep breath. He lifted his hand to knock, but he hesitated.

Was she really ready to go home? It hadn’t been too long ago that several bullets had perforated her body. She was still a little weak because her body was still recovering and she needed rest and trying to adjust to this new situation wouldn’t give her that. She had worked with the therapist the last days, but people often needed months or even years to be really comfortable with the new situation after ending up in a wheelchair and, yes, Felicity was strong, one of the strongest people he knew, but this was a life-changing thing, so what if she had only put on a brave face when she was really suffering inside? The penthouse wasn’t prepared for this new situation. And neither was Oliver. He had read a thousand articles about incomplete paraplegia and how life of the people with incomplete paraplegia changed, but…  
He didn’t feel ready. And he just didn’t want to make any mistake. He didn’t want to do anything wrong.

Oliver took in another deep breath, calming his nerves, and knocked.

“Come in!”

He entered with a slightly nervous smile on his lips, ready to say something like “Ready to go home?” which would have probably ended in an awkward moment for obvious reasons, but luckily he could swallow those words before they left his mouth. Instead he only smiled at Felicity, who was already sitting in the wheelchair, the bag of things he had brought her here, on her thighs.

“Hey,” he said quietly, closing the door behind him and stepping near until he stood right in front of her, so he could lean down and peck her lips shortly. “You’re still sure you want to do this?”

Felicity answered with only a determined look and Oliver sighed, nodding. Of course she hadn’t changed her mind. She was pretty stubborn although she would probably deny it. Well, Oliver was the last person who would judge her for that. They kind of had that in common.

“I’m gonna take the-“ he started but stopped when Felicity put a hand on the bag before he could lift it from her thighs.

“There needs to be some kind of use for my legs, so if they can use as a baggage rack, they’ll be used as a baggage rack,” she said and Oliver knew it was supposed to sound funny, but he didn’t miss the harsh tone underneath.

“Okay,” he said quietly, “so let’s get you home.”

Felicity nodded, starting to move the wheelchair. Oliver hurried to get to the door first and opened it for her. He saw from the corner of his eyes how she pressed her lips together tightly, taking in a deep breath, but she didn’t say anything. Instead she just moved the wheelchair forward through the door and into the hallway.

“I should warn you that your mother planned a dinner party to celebrate that you’re back home,” Oliver said after he had closed the door and followed her down the hallway to the elevators. “John, Lyla, Baby Sara, Laurel, Thea, Lance. Everyone will be there. I was a little afraid your mother would try to cook again and we would find a new place for living because she would burn it down, so I asked Lyla to get there early and now she is the one who’s cooking. You’re mother is playing with Sara in the meantime and-“

“What the hell are you doing?” Felicity asked, stopping the wheelchair abruptly and turning it around, so she could look at Oliver.

“I don’t know what you-“ he started carefully while trying to figure out what he had done wrong.

“First of all,” Felicity interrupted him harshly, “stop pushing the wheelchair. I might not be able to walk, but I can get that damn thing to move on my own.”

“But you’re still in pain and the doctor said you should take it easy, so-“

“Secondly,” she interrupted him again, completely ignoring his objection, “just stop talking. I do not need entertainment all the time.”

Oliver gulped audibly. Of course she didn’t need entertainment. He hadn’t even exactly meant to entertain her. He was just nervous about this whole situation, nervous about doing something wrong. And sometimes, when he was nervous, he babbled like Felicity usually did and Felicity sometimes rubbed the thumb against the fingertips of the same hand like he usually did. They mirrored each other’s ticks.

Felicity took in a deep breath, combing her hair with her fingers shortly before she said, “Look, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. I just… I want to do things without help.”

A part of him wanted to remind her that her wounds were still healing and she needed to take it easy, but he could see in her eyes that if he said any of this, she would only get mad. So he nodded slightly, sending a short prayer to heaven that she wasn’t going to hurt herself with this because he was worried that that would happen. But on the other hand he knew that she needed to feel independent or she would lose her mind.

He could still intervene when she was exaggerating that much that it would risk her health, so he only nodded and they made their way back home.

 

Oliver cleared the table, glancing at Felicity, who had made herself comfortable on the couch and now tried to find the right position to sleep in, every once in a while.

The evening had been okay, he guessed. It was hard to say because Felicity had barely said a word which was strange because the evening had started so well. She had made fun with Sara, chasing after the little girl who was now walking on her own. And when Sara had gotten tired, she had just pulled the toddler onto her lap and held her. Oliver had watched them from the kitchen, his heart warming at the thought that one day this would be their life and he would get to see Felicity holding a baby like that every single day.

He had ignored the stabbing feeling of pain at the thought that if she would be with any other man, she could still walk because Darhk had only shot her because she had been with him in that limo and she was the most important person in his life. But Oliver didn’t have the right to let himself be drowned by his guilt. He needed to be the strong one. He needed to help Felicity get through it. All focus should be on her and how she felt the most comfortable. He wasn’t going to turn this into something about his man pain.  
He was not the boss of her. She had chosen this life and she had chosen him.

Anyway, Felicity’s mood hadn’t stayed like that for long. When they had sit down for dinner, a delicious pasta meal Lyla had cooked, she had slowly spoken less and less. Obviously, the fact that everyone had tried to please her by asking if she needed something or if there was anything they could do, had been too much for her. When he had reminded her that it was time to take her painkillers and John, who had been sitting closest to the kitchen, had immediately gotten up to grab them and get her a glass of water, she had only smiled tensely. After that she had barely said anything more and as soon as they had finished dinner, she had stated that she was tired, so everyone had soon left but not before reassuring that if they needed anything, they were always only one call away.

As soon as the door had been closed behind them, Oliver had turned around to her and leaned down to lift her from the wheelchair, but she had moved back, frowning at him and asking what he was doing. To his explanation that they didn’t have a lift and hence he should carry her upstairs she had only replied that she’d rather sleep on the couch for the few nights than being carried upstairs like a little kid. Things had changed and with that changed situation she didn’t want to be carried by him anymore, no matter how often he had carried her to be before the shooting already. So Felicity was going to sleep on the couch, but she had insisted that he should take the bed because it was better for his back and the couch was small and she would have trouble sleeping anyway. He had tried to object, but she hadn’t let it happen.

So he had gotten her pillow and blanket as well as her pajama downstairs. Donna had offered helping her change, but Felicity had refused. Instead she had changed herself and although it had taken her quite some time and Oliver could have seen from the grimly determined expression on her face that it had been exhausting for her, she had managed to do it. And now she was lying on her side, using one arm as a pillow, the other holding the blanket under her chin.

Pulling the dishtowel from his shoulder, he threw it to the counters and went over to Felicity. When he sat down on the edge of the couch, she opened her eyes, looking back at him tiredly. He gently tugged a strand of her that had fallen into her face behind her ear and stroked her cheek with the tips of his fingers and she leaned into his touch with a sigh. Oliver smiled.

“Do you have everything you need?” he asked.

Felicity nodded, holding his hand to her face and moving her cheek against the palm of his hand.

“Are you sure you want to sleep here alone? I don’t mind-“

“It’s okay,” she said hastily. “It’s only a few days until they can mount the lift and then I can get back upstairs.”

“I don’t mind carrying you. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“I would mind,” Felicity replied firmly like she had done when he had suggested it the first time. “I don’t want to be carried. It’s… different now. Just… Please.”

Oliver nodded, kissing her forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Felicity replied and he pecked her lips shortly.

It took him a lot to get up and start walking towards the stairs. Getting back into bed with Felicity by his side had been his silver lining in all of this. She wasn’t dead which was why he could still fall asleep next to her and wake up next to her and hold her all the time between.

“And, Oliver?” Felicity asked when he had reached the first step and Oliver turned around. “Could you get me a few things down here tomorrow? Clothes and other things?”

“Sure,” Oliver said with a nod, “but I could get them for you each morning or whenever you need them.”

“I’d rather have them all here as long as I cannot get upstairs,” Felicity replied. “Night.”

“Night.”

Oliver went upstairs, tiptoed through the corridor to not wake Donna and into his room. He got rid of his clothes, carelessly dropping them to the floor and got into bed, moving his pillow and blanket to her side of the bed. Those last nights without her, he had slept on her side and on her pillow, wrapped up in her blanket. Manipulating himself into thinking she was right beside him by surrounding himself with the scent of her hair and skin had been the only way he had been able to sleep at all.

But she was home now. Well, their home needed to be adjusted to their new situation, but she was here and she was fine and for now that was all that he needed to know.

They would get along. Everything was going to be okay.

 

The following weeks everything was going fine. The lift was mounted, allowing Felicity to get upstairs and move back into their shared bed. They had remodeled their bathrooms – the one downstairs and the one next to their bedroom upstairs – to make it possible for Felicity to reach everything and to move in there without bumping into everything when she moved. Well, Felicity had ordered Gerry to hire people to do so.

It wasn’t that Oliver minded that she was doing those alterations without talking to him first because she knew best what needed to be done to make it possible for her to be independent in their own home. He didn’t even mind that she rather told Gerry to take care of such things than asking him although he had to admit that he had been slightly hurt at the beginning because he had offered his help with everything so often and she had always refused. Besides, Gerry seemed to be more and more important for her. He was picking her up for work every morning, bringing her coffee and something for breakfast which she ate on the way to Palmer Technologies instead of eating breakfast with him.

He didn’t mind any of these things, though. He actually knew that he should be happy about them. Felicity was taking care of herself. She was adjusting to her new life instead of falling into a deep, black hole of depression like he had feared she would do. There were just a few things, things he had noticed during the last weeks that, although Felicity seemed fine, made him worry.

She was training too much. She had bought free weights and explained that she needed to increase the strength in her arms because they needed to work a lot more now that her legs refused to move any more. And although he had to agree that it was a good idea, he was worried because the doctor had told her to take it easy because her wounds needed time to heal. But Felicity wasn’t taking it easy and when she wasn’t taking it easy, she was in pain. He could see it. Even though she was denying it even when he asked her about it.

She was taking her therapy really serious which – again – should be something he should be happy about because she just adjusted to this whole new situation so much better than he had thought she would. But on the other hand – again – he feared that she was risking her health when she repeated everything the therapist had showed her again and again. Or refused to let John or Donna or him or anyone for that matter help her with the things she couldn’t do on her own without being in pain.

For example she stubbornly refused to let John and him mount a ramp into the lair to make it easier for her to get to her work station. They had everything planned out already when Felicity had said she didn’t need one. He had asked her what the matter was because she didn’t mind the alterations at home, so why was she against some in the lair? And Felicity had proved to him that she could take the few steps without a ramp by holding onto the handrail firmly and basically pulling herself up. She had learned that technique with help of the internet. But it was only bringing her pain.

And it wasn’t the only thing she refused to let anyone help her with. She had once dropped some of her papers to the floor and although everyone had been standing around and wanted to help, like they would have done no matter who had dropped those papers and whether or not that someone was in a wheelchair, she had told them to let her do it on her own and not help her. And again Oliver had seen that she had been in pain because all of those movements had strained her only slowly healing wounds.

She was risking her health. That was what was bothering him. She rather risked her health than ask or even accept help because everyone offered to help again and again. He knew this situation wasn’t easy for her. It was already hard for him, so he couldn’t imagine how hard it had to be for her, but…

It was just so hard to watch her suffer and to know that she was only making it worse with her unstoppable endeavor to get to the point where she could just go on with her life like nothing had happened and she could do anything she wanted without needing anyone’s help. Sometimes he just watched her, but when she noticed and looked back at him, he hastily looked away because he knew Felicity wouldn’t like to be watched. She didn’t want him to worry. She didn’t want him to help her. She just wanted to do all of this on her own.

And there was nothing he or anyone could do. Because whenever he or John or Donna or anyone else tried to talk to her about it, she only rolled her eyes and left. She blocked any attempt to talk to her about it. Oliver had tried more and more to talk to her, but it had only lead to her avoiding him more and more. He felt like they were slowly drifting apart. And it scared him. It scared him so much.

 

“Felicity?”

She hummed as a sign that she had heard him, not looking up from her tablet, though. She had so much work lately. The company was still in trouble and neither Curtis nor she nor they together had found a way to save it by now. Time was running out.

“Felicity?”

She looked up at the closeness of the sound of his voice and smiled when she saw his face only few inches away from her. Oliver was leaning over the backrest of the couch, his upper body propped up onto his forearms.

“Hey,” she said with a smile, shaking her head and putting her table down to concentrate on him. “Sorry, I was a little…”

Oliver shook his head. “I just wanted to tell you that I was going to the office now. I have to prepare for the debate and-“

“It’s fine,” she answered. “I’ll get along.”

“I know you will,” Oliver answered. “But it’s a little chilly. Do you need a blanket?”

“If I need one, I can get myself one,” she replied.

Oliver pressed his lips together tightly before he nodded. “Right.”

For a long moment they only looked at each other without saying anything.

The last weeks since she had been shot had been… Felicity couldn’t really put it into words, but something had changed between them. Sometimes she could see Oliver watching her from afar, but as soon as she looked at him, he looked away. It was like he couldn’t bare the sight of her being in a wheelchair.

It was only one more reason for her to try and get her full independency back as soon as possible. She needed it. She needed to get along on her own.

After five seconds of staring into each other’s eyes without moving, she looked away, cleared her throat and said, “See you later.”

“Yes,” Oliver said and she could hear him breathing in deeply. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head and whispered into her hair, “See you later.”

She watched him going to the door. Like usually he looked back at her from there and she smiled shortly before he opened the door and left. No goodbye kiss. Again. She had no idea how long it was supposed to go on like that. They looked at each other, but each time she thought he was going to kiss her, he just leaned over and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head or something. She couldn’t really be mad at him. She didn’t feel sexy, so why should he think she was?

Sighing, Felicity got from the couch to the wheelchair and moved it to the lift. When she had been in the hospital she had discussed over and over again with herself whether it was really necessary to mount it. But she hadn’t seen any other choice to get back into their bedroom without being in barely bearable pain and using up most of her energy. Even the two steps in the lair were still hard to pass, but she just didn’t want anything to be changed outside of her home. She needed to be able to get up some stairs without a lift anyway because it wasn’t like every public building had lifts for every single pair of steps. She needed to get along without everything around her changing. And it had been terrible enough that they had needed to remodel the bathrooms.

It just had been necessary for her to be independent.  
Independency. That was what she wanted and needed. She didn’t want to be a helpless little girl. And sometimes it felt like everyone was seeing that in her.

Shaking her head, she suppressed that thought, moved into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. Oliver had been right. It was chilly downstairs, but since she was planning on working some more and a blanket was only going to be in the way, she needed one of her hoodies or – even better – one of Oliver’s hoodies.

But unfortunately they were placed on the uppermost shelf where she couldn’t reach them.

Like she couldn’t reach so much more things since she had gotten back from the hospital in her wheelchair. The coffee always stood in the backmost edge behind the coffee machine on the kitchen counter. If she wanted to grab the coffee powder, she needed to prop herself up onto her forearm and even then it was hard to grab the coffee. She had tried once when Oliver hadn’t been there. She just couldn’t bear the look on his face when she tried to do something and failed because of her new situation. She hated it even when he wasn’t looking, but with him being right beside her, it was only worse.

Felicity glanced back into the corridor through the open door like she was trying to ensure herself that she was really alone. Only then did she move the wheelchair a little further forward and opened the belt that bound her to it. Sucking in a deep breath, she put her hands to one of the shelves and started pulling herself up with the strength of her arms. It made her whole body hurt. She could feel where her wounds from the shooting were still healing. Slowly she loosened her right hand, so she could put it on a higher shelf and just when she loosened her left hand, she felt the wheelchair slip from under her feet. Her hands slipped from the shelves and she fell down onto her right arm painfully while the wheelchair was rolling away from her.

Gasping for breath, Felicity put her left hand to her right arm, but hastily moved her fingers away when it hurt too much. She sent a silent prayer that it wasn’t broken. She needed her arms. She needed them. She had only just partly adjusted to life without being able to move her legs. What was she going to do the next weeks if she couldn’t use her arm?

She rolled herself onto her stomach, using her left hand to move her legs around, so she could try and crawl out of the wardrobe and to her wheelchair. She needed to get back into it, so she could go downstairs where her phone was and call Gerry and get him to drive her to the hospital, so she could let a doctor take a look at her arm.

Unfortunately moving with her legs motionless and her right arm hurting like hell wasn’t as easy as she had hoped it would be. She put her left hand on the floor, trying to pull the rest of her body after it, but…

Crying, she left her head sink to her left arm.

It was so humiliating that she couldn’t even grab herself a hoodie or make herself some coffee which was why she had had to order Gerry to grab her coffee and breakfast each morning when he picked her up for work which she couldn’t drive to herself yet because the remodeling of the car took some time and even then she would first have to get used to how to drive a car without using her legs.

She didn’t mind sitting in a wheelchair as much as she had thought she would when she had first learned that she was never going to walk again. She just hated that she felt limits of her body so much sooner than she had felt them before. And that was what she hated. To not be able to do what she wanted when she wanted to do so and not being able to do so without help. She hated that there were so many things that had to be changed because of her. They had had to mount a wheelchair. They had had to remodel their bathroom. She didn’t want things to change. She wanted to be able to find a way to continue with her life as if nothing had happened.

When she heard a door downstairs being opened, she lifted her head from her arm and looked towards the stairs, sending a new prayer to heaven that whoever it was wasn’t here to kill her.

“Felicity?!” she heard Oliver’s voice from downstairs like proof that her prayer had been heard. “I just forgot some papers! I’m already back on my way to the office! … Felicity?!”

Felicity took in a deep breath. She might feel embarrassed and humiliated by all of this, but she was also in pain and she knew that she really needed help here.

“Oliver?!” she called hence.

“Everything alright?” he answered and she could hear him stop moving.

“No,” she replied and heard the hasty steps he towards the stairs even before she added, “I’m in the bedroom.”

As soon as he had reached the head of the stairs from where he could see her, panic formed in his eyes and with hasty steps he ran towards her, asking, “What happened?”

Felicity sniffled and wiped some tears from her cheeks before she replied, “I… I wanted to grab a hoodie and tried to pull myself up the shelves of the wardrobe, but I forgot to pull the breaks and the wheelchair slipped from under my feet and rolled away and then I fell onto my arm and-“

She sniffled once again, shrugging her shoulders, and Oliver got the wheelchair next to her, pulled the breaks and was already about to lift her from the floor when he asked, “Can you get into the wheelchair on your own or-?”

“Help would be nice,” she replied quietly and with a nod Oliver lifted her from the floor and into the wheelchair. He even secured the belt around her hips for her.

“Do you want me to drive you to the hospital?” he asked.

Felicity sighed but nodded. “That would be nice, yes.”

 

Luckily, her arm wasn’t broken. It was only sprained. The doctor had bandaged it, told her to cool it and not move it too much which given her situation wasn’t exactly easy. But she knew that if she didn’t try and rest it, it would only take longer to heal. And she needed her arm in full use without any pain. The doctor had also taken a look onto her shot wounds and stated that they weren’t healing as well as he had expected. She needed to give her body more time and rest to heal to which Felicity hadn’t answered. She had only lowered her gaze.

“Do you want me to light a fire?” Oliver asked while he was helping her getting onto the couch.

“Yes, sure,” Felicity replied.

She watched him make the fire in the fireplace while she was leaning back and put a blanket over her legs. Since they had left for the hospital, they had barely said a word. But Oliver had pushed her wheelchair since she couldn’t do it on her own. He had gotten her a bag of frozen peas to cool her arm and he had held her all the time they had waited in the hospital, rubbing her back and kissing her temple.

When Oliver had lightened the fire and turned around to Felicity, they both said at the same time, “Can we talk?”

Breathing a laugh, Oliver sat down on the couch next to her, facing her. He put his right arm on the backrest of the couch and Felicity immediately started caressing his forearm. It had been some time since she had done that the last time. And she hadn’t even known how much she had missed it.

“You go first,” Felicity suggested, but Oliver shook his head, nodding his chin into her direction to signal him that she should start. So Felicity took in a deep breath. “I am sorry for being so closed off lately.”

Oliver shook his head, squeezing her hand. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything. This is a difficult situation for you and you need time to adjust to it.”

“Yes, but…” Felicity took in a deep breath and then sighed, shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders. “I should have… let you participate more. I just… I _hate_ needing help because… I’ve always taken care of myself.”

There it was, she thought and sighed once again, putting her head to the backrest of the couch and closing her eyes. She could feel Oliver’s gaze on her skin. It was eliciting goose bumps on her skin. She knew that he was waiting for her to say something more instead of pushing. So she took her time to collect her thoughts before she took in another deep breath and opened her eyes to look at him.

“After my dad left, I was alone most of the time. My mom had to work a lot and even if she didn’t work, I didn’t feel like she had any plan about what she was doing which is not a nice thing to say, but to my defense we didn’t get along with each other as well as we do now. Anyway, since my dad left, I was always prepared for other people to leave. The only person I wanted to rely on was myself. And for years it worked. I never needed anyone, at least not really. And now I need someone for almost everything,” she added after a short moment. “I can’t get a hoodie from the wardrobe. I can’t get up the three steps in the lair without being in pain. I can’t even brew coffee here because I can’t grab it without propping my arm on the kitchen counter and pull myself up which is a lot harder than it sounds like and actually hurts.”

“That is why Gerry is bringing you coffee every morning and you are not having breakfast with me here anymore?” Oliver asked and when Felicity nodded, he slid closer to her and put a hand to her cheek to caress the skin gently. “Last week I put the coffee right next to the machine because I was thinking exactly that and you told me-“

“That you should put it back to where it belonged,” Felicity interrupted him, remembering that moment very well. “It was hard enough for me to accept the fact that we needed to mount the lift and remodel the bathrooms. I don’t want anything else to change.”

“It’s just the place of the coffee powder,” Oliver replied.

“At first,” Felicity replied. “And then it’s the things on the topmost shelf in the refrigerator and then it’s the freezer because I can’t grab the box of ice cream anymore. And after that it’s the wardrobe and within little time our whole home will be turned upside down.”

“Felicity, it’s just the placing of a few things,” Oliver repeated. “Who cares if we rearrange some things here?”

“I care!”

Oliver opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again and instead slid closer to her. He put an arm under her knees and the other around her back, pulling her onto his lap. Felicity melted against him. She rested her forehead against his head and closed her eyes.

“Felicity, you are not alone anymore,” he stated firmly but with a gentle tone of his voice. “I know that it was hard for you after your father left, but I am not your father. And I am not leaving. You’re not getting rid of me or of John or Donna. Accepting our help wouldn’t be that bad because we won’t just disappear out of your life and leave you helpless.”

“But-“

“That being said,” Oliver continued, “I love you and I don’t want to take any of your independency. I want you to do things on your own, but that means that we have to rearrange a few things to give you the freedom to be independent. And before you do exhausting things like pulling yourself up the stairs in the lair or up any furniture, I’d prefer if you could first give yourself some urgently needed rest to let your wounds heal and let us together decide on what we can do to make it easier for you to be independent.”

Felicity didn’t answer. She knew that Oliver was right. Her wounds weren’t healing if she didn’t give them rest. She could still feel where Darhk’s ghosts had shot her and whenever she did things to prove to herself that she was still independent and didn’t need anyone’s help, the pain of those unhealed wounds increased. Besides, now she had that sprained arm and could do things on her own even less.

Their life had changed so often already and before she had been shot, for the first time she had really felt like things were the way they had been supposed to. Rearranging things, even if it were only little things, made her feel uncomfortable. But Oliver was right. If she wanted to keep her independency which she did even though she knew Oliver was also right about him, John and Donna not leaving her, she needed to adjust her surrounding to her new situation and she needed to give her body the time it needed to heal.

“You once told me that I needed to learn to accept help. I needed to let people help me. And that is what I think you have to do right now, too. Please?” Oliver asked quietly when she didn’t answer.

Felicity sighed but nodded. “Okay.”

 

The following weeks they put into action what they had talked about that day.

They rearranged things - their wardrobe, their freezer and their fridge – to make it easier for Felicity to grab the things she wanted without needing help. Felicity was taking it easy or at least easier. With her right hand being sprained she wasn’t able to do much anyway because even moving the wheelchair on her own sucked because it made her hand only hurt more. So she let Oliver or whoever else was there push her, but insisted that she was going to do that herself again as soon as her hand had healed. John was allowed to drag the wheelchair to her work station, so she didn’t risk the healing of her other wounds.

When her hand healed, she started pushing her wheelchair on her own again and when the other wounds stopped hurting and healed properly, she once again started training with her free weights and slowly did more and more things on her own. She hated bad days when the wounds would still hurt and she had to take a step back again, but she accept those days and the limits of her body. But those days were getting lesser and lesser with each passing month anyway.

Six months after the terrible night of the shooting, they had found a new rhythm of life with the situation that Darhk’s shooting had left them with. And with Darhk and his ghosts being gone for good, they finally had more time for each other.

“I’m still in for a winter wedding,” Felicity said before she sipped at the coffee they had grabbed from her favorite coffee shop. She was moving the wheelchair with her right hand, holding the mug of coffee in her left one while Oliver pushed the left side of the wheelchair and held his cup in the right hand. “I mean… we have to set a date one day and I’d appreciated if we could find one before the next villain tries to destroy the city.”

“It’s a long time till winter,” Oliver said.

“We have a lot to plan. We need that time,” Felicity replied.

“So a winter wedding?” Oliver asked when they entered the elevator to the penthouse.

“If you agree.”

“I agree.”

“So a winter wedding.”

When they entered the penthouse, Oliver took the empty paper mug from Felicity and trashed it while Felicity asked, “Are we going to set the exact date now? I think the sooner we do so the better because, like I said, we have a lot to plan.”

“Later. First we will lie down… maybe take a nap,” Oliver replied.

“A nap? How old are you? Sixty?” Felicity asked back, but Oliver only chuckled leaned down and kissed her.

While their lips were still locked, Oliver unfastened the wheelchair belt and put his hands to the back of her knees to lift her into his arms. Felicity put her arms around Oliver’s neck and sighed into his mouth. When he sat down with her in his lap, Felicity lowered her hands from his cheeks over her neck and shoulders to the front of his shirt and started unbuttoning it.

Immediately Oliver pulled back, his hands gently grabbing her wrists and stopping them from what they were doing. He looked at her with wide eyes.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“What does it look like?” Felicity asked back, cocking her head slightly.

“I’m not sure,” Oliver replied.

“I’ll give you a hint,” Felicity said with a wide grin, leaning forwards to peck his lips with hers. “It’s like a very, very special nap.”

When she tried to lean forward and kiss him once again, Oliver pulled his head back a little. She could see the hesitation in his eyes and in the posture of his body and frowned. Since Darhk’s ghosts had shot at them only few minutes after their engagement, they hadn’t had any sex. With the changes due to Felicity’s paralysis and the craziness of Darhk’s evil plans, there hadn’t been much time for them. Besides, Felicity hadn’t really felt sexy. She still had trouble feeling sexy, but she felt comfortable enough to give sex a try.

“You don’t want to?” Felicity asked, feeling slightly hurt because after six months of abstinence she had expected more excitement.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Oliver replied, immediately letting go of her wrists to put his hands to her hips and pull her closer against him. He kissed her gently, but pulled back before Felicity could deepen the kiss. “I’m just not sure if I can.”

Felicity frowned looking down to where her hips were resting against his. “We both know that I have some sensation left and if that sensation between my legs isn’t betraying me, I’d say that you _can_.”

Chuckling, Oliver let his head sink back against the backrest and shook his head. But he never broke eye contact to Felicity.

“I love you, Felicity,” he said with a sigh, “and I desire you, so, hell yes, I’d love to have sex with you.”

As if he was trying to prove the honesty of his words, he moved his hands from her hips up her ribcage and back down again. Felicity sighed comfortably. It felt good being touched like that again.

“I just don’t want to do anything wrong,” Oliver added, letting his hands fall back to her hips.

“It’s not my first time,” Felicity whispered with a laugh. “It’s not even _our_ first time.”

“But the first time since Darhk’s ghosts shot at us,” Oliver replied. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Felicity nodded slowly. “Well, this would be the one and only time it would be nice if there wasn’t any sensation left because in that case I could say you couldn’t hurt me even if you were trying.”

Oliver didn’t even try to smile at the weak attempt to lighten the mood. Felicity leaned forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and gently massaged the back of his head.

“Hey,” she said quietly and at least the right corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smile. “I know it will be different and it might not even be good, but if we never start trying, we will never get to a point where it could be good again.”

“Sex with you is always good,” Oliver replied in a whisper.

“It might not be good,” Felicity objected, shaking her head. “But I want to try. I want to feel that close to you again and before you say that there are other things to create intimacy, I like sexual intimacy and I want it back. There is something special about it.”

Oliver looked at her and she could see the struggle in his eyes.

“Can you give me an hour?”

Felicity frowned and cocked her head. “An hour to do what?”

“Research,” Oliver replied and Felicity frowned even more, making him chuckle quietly. “I think it would help me to figure out what to expect. Is that okay?”

“I don’t know,” Felicity replied honestly. “It’s a little… unromantic.”

“I’ll be in full romance mode when we go upstairs in an hour,” he promised. “Please just give me that moment.”

“Fine,” Felicity replied, turning around to grab her wheelchair, but it was too far away for her to reach since Oliver had carried her to the couch. Tapping his shoulder and then pointing at the wheelchair she wordlessly told him to carry her back and he did so. “I’ll go ahead and start undressing.”

Oliver put his hands to the armrests of the wheelchair and encaged her there. Leaning down, he brushed his lips against hers and whispered, “Don’t you dare.”

“One hour,” Felicity said firmly with a gaze to her watch and moved the wheelchair to the lift. When it arrived upstairs, she glanced back at Oliver once more, mouthing, “One hour.”

 

It didn’t even take him an hour, though. Exactly fifty-three minutes after Felicity had left him alone downstairs to do the research he had felt he needed to do, he entered the bedroom where Felicity was lying on the mattress with her eyes closed and a gentle smile on her lips. She turned her head when she heard him.

“So?” she asked and perked her eyebrows. “What did the research tell you?”

“That even after a spinal injury like paraplegia, incomplete or not, people need to express themselves in sexuality because their sexual drive doesn’t stop only because they are paralyzed. Sexual intimacy is important and sex can and, if wanted, should still be part of a relationship.”

“Ha!” Felicity made triumphantly. “The internet told you to have sex with me. Now you have no way out.”

“It wasn’t like I was looking for a way out in the first place,” Oliver replied, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. He leaned over her and brushed his lips against hers shortly before sitting up and pulling her upright with him, so he could move her onto his lap and hold her close to him. “I think we need to talk.”

“That doesn’t sound like romantic mode,” Felicity sighed.

“Before we get to the action part, I think we should talk about what I read, so we both know what to expect.”

“Not romantic at all,” Felicity grumbled, playing with the topmost button of his shirt.

Oliver sighed and kissed the side of her neck, making Felicity relax more against him. He looked into her eyes and waited until she nodded, wordlessly giving her consent to talk about what he had read before he took in a deep breath.

“You might have problems to get wet,” Oliver said, clearing his throat slightly, “and it might take some while until we get back to you having orgasms. Even with sensations being left, we don’t know…”

Felicity put her fingers onto his lips and sighed. “Oliver, I don’t want to have sex with you to get the release. I mean… I love orgasms, but it’s not about that. It’s about the physical closeness.”

They looked at each other for a long time. She could see the hesitation in his eyes, but she could also see it fading away slowly. Oliver took in another deep breath before he nodded.

“Okay, we will try,” he said, “but if I’ll do anything wrong or you want something different, you tell me, okay?”

“Like that has ever been a problem,” Felicity replied.

With a grin she grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head to take if off and throw it somewhere behind her on the floor. Oliver adjusted her position on top of him, so her legs were wrapped around his hips and he leaned his upper body back a little, so Felicity could melt against him fully and he could rub his hands over her clothed back while her hands were exploring the scarred skin of his chest and back.

Slowly Oliver lowered his hands from her back over her butt which he gave a light squeeze that made Felicity chuckle against his lips. She could feel his hands move over the outside of her thighs. It wasn’t the same sensation as it had been before she had been shot. She couldn’t feel how rough his fingertips and the palms of his hands were. But she could feel were they were on her legs and she could feel them moving underneath the hem of her dress and she could feel his hips thrusting against hers, pressing his hardening erection against her.

Not breaking the kiss, Felicity put her hands over his and moved them to her hips under the dress, signaling him that he should move her hips against his and Oliver did. With the strength of his arms he lifted her hips slightly and pulled them back down when he trusted upwards.

“This feels good,” Felicity whispered, moving her lips from his over his cheek to his ear and finally to his neck. “I like this.”

“Me, too,” Oliver replied, but he stopped nonetheless to move his hands back down to the hem of the dress and pull it over her head and off her body. Just like she had done with his shirt, he threw her dress in some corner of the room carelessly.

He secured his arms around her hips and back and turned them around, lying Felicity down against the pillows. He hastily got himself rid off his jeans and shoes, dropping them onto the floor, and climbed back into bed. He hovered over her with his arms to both her sides. He pecked her lips shortly before his lips took a path downward over her chin and neck to her shoulder, caressing the oldest of her scars, not counting the ones in her mouth, he thought and grinned against her skin at the memory.

He caressed all of her scars, taking the time to appreciate them like she always paid attention to his scars. Until now he had never gotten the chance to touch, kiss or lick the scars the shooting had left at her. And since he knew that one could feel pretty uncomfortable about them, he took his time to show her how desirable she was and how the scars didn’t change anything about it.

When Oliver’s lips came back to hers, he melted into her. His hips started thrusting against hers already and continued so even when he opened the clasp of her bra, took the garment off and lowered his lips to her right nipple. He sucked it between his lips, closing his mouth around the sensitive flesh and sucked lightly. Felicity moaned and pressed his head closer to her chest with her hands. He gave the same attention to her other nipple before his lips moved back to hers.

His lips hovered barely an inch above hers when he looked her in the eyes and asked, “Are you ready to try?”

Felicity nodded, biting down on her bottom lip a little nervously. Oliver swiped his thumb over her lip and released it from the tight grip of her teeth and he brushed his lips over the maltreated skin to soothe a pain that wasn’t even there. But it made Felicity smile and relax.

So Oliver first pulled off her panties, then got himself rid off his boxer briefs. When he crawled back over her, he pushed her legs a little further apart, so he could rest his legs between hers, his sex making contact with hers. When she hissed, Oliver made an attempt to pull back, but Felicity hastily pulled his hips more firmly against hers, moaning quietly.

“Good?” he asked.

“Very good,” Felicity replied.

Oliver lowered his body onto hers, still keeping most of his weight from her by staying propped up onto his forearms. His body moved against hers slowly and he lowered his lips to the side of her neck. Oliver had been nervous about this, but he felt that nervousness slowly fading away with each second his body kept moving against hers. Her hands were roaming over his back, and he gently pulled one of them away to close his hand around it and rest it next to her head on the pillow.

He moved his free hand between their bodies and positioned his erection at her entrance. Looking into her eyes, he made sure he had her consent before he pushed in slowly until he was buried in her wet heat to the hilt. Felicity gasped for breath, her free hand clinging to his shoulder. He could feel her fingernails digging into his skin.

Oliver lowered his lips to hers, kissing her gently while his hips started settling a slow rhythm, moving in and out of her without any hurry. She could feel him moving inside of her and though it felt different from what it had felt like before, it still felt good. They moaned into each other’s mouths and held onto each other’s hand. Oliver hadn’t known how much he had missed this. Felicity had been right. There was something about this physical intimacy that was really important and it had been the right choice to just try it today.

It didn’t take long until he could feel how he was getting closer and closer to the edge. It had been so long since he had sex the last time and he had known he wasn’t going to last long. Usually when he knew this, he would make her come with his tongue and his fingers, but today hadn’t felt like the right day to do any of those things.

“Felicity,” he groaned against her neck, clenching his jaws. “I can’t-“

“It’s okay,” she moaned.

With one more thrust Oliver let go and spilled into her. They were both breathless, but his lips found hers and he kissed her hungrily. Rolling them around, he slipped out of her and hugged her close to his chest. Felicity lowered her head to his breast and pressed his lips to the crown of her head.

“Sor-“

Hastily Felicity put her hand over his lips, murmuring, “Don’t destroy it. It was perfect.”

“Yes, it was,” Oliver replied, burying his nose in her hair and stroking the tips of his fingers up and down her back. “I love you, Felicity.”

“I love you, too.”

 

It wasn’t until their wedding night that Felicity finally came again.

“Wow,” she said, staring up at him. “That was-“

“It was,” Oliver chuckled and lowered his lips to hers once more. The kiss started gentle and slow but soon grew hungrier. Nuzzling her nose with his, he asked, “Can I take care of you again?”

“You can take care of me anytime,” Felicity answered and with a mischievous grin Oliver disappeared under the blanket and continued to pleasure her with his tongue like he had before, giving her the best wedding gift she could have hoped for.


End file.
